The color of the leaves werent the only things that changed in November. I too had gone through a change. It was a change I resisted for a long time. It was partially a conscious resistance. I really didnt see myself turning into those people that gets tired of going out all the time or that has to go out just because its the weekend and then it happened I turned into one of those people. It happened the night of the Party Monster thing at the OP. I really didnt feel like going that night. I went to a show with April the night before and I swear I thought my legs were going to fall off from standing there for over 2 hours. I kept thinking to myself I cant seriously be hurting this much from just standing here. But there it was. April couldnt take it and went to wait for me in the car. I chalked (sp?) it up to just being tired and didnt give it much thought.
The show was good by the way. Great turn out. Saw lots of old faces. Siva was great as usual. Too bad it was their last show ever.
Anyhoo the Party Monster thing was the next night and I had worked all day then went home to get changed and head over to Les' to meet everyone. Almost everyone was in make up and/or costume. I just wore my shirt/tie/blazer/fedora outfit. I just didnt feel like getting all costumey. So we're all there and they're all getting ready when shaun asks me to go get him cigarettes. I tell him to get them on the way and he and Adam both declare they cant go out in public in full make up. I told them they shoulda thought of that before they got made up. I ended up having to go buy cigs for shaun, les and sean. I came back appox. 10 min later and everyone was waiting for me by the door. All declaring "she's finally back after a million years lets go!" I wasnt even gone that long and they werent ready to leave when i had left but all of a sudden it was my fault we were leaving at 11. That really pissed me off. I weighed my options for while everyone that was supposedly ready gathered their shit. I could have A- Acted like a teenager and just stormed off calling all of them assholes and going home pissed off. B-Act like an adult and call them all assholes and just ignore the shit talking as they do to everyone anyways. C-Grow a back bone and tell them to calm the fuck down cuz I wasnt even gone that long.
I basically combined them all and went for secret option D which just includes letting it piss me off and fester the rest of the night. We finally got to the OP and it was dead as usual. There were more people there that there usually are on saturdays but by no means was it an impressive crowd. We located Danny Steele and got stamped so we could go to the VIP area. Adam and Shaun were besides themselves with glee because they were VIP's. I kept thinking its the fucking OP, GET REAL!! and No one's here anyways what does it matter?! But whatever. People get their jollies in different ways.
I felt completely out of my element the entire time I was there. I kept thinking all I want to do is go to aprils and watch the crocodile hunter and go to sleep. I could have just left early but I felt this obligation to be there for my friends. It just all seemed phony and pointless. I was also slightly annoyed because I had given up drinking and with sober eyes saw that the only way to really have fun at the OP is to be completely sloshed. I realized this after I saw Adam and Shaun down I dont know how many shots and drinks in a short span of time.
The evening finally drew to a close and I was relieved to be going home to my bed.
The next morning I woke up because the dogs and I had to pee. I let them out and went to pee and as I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and didnt recognize myself. I stared into the mirror for what seemed like an eternity asking "who the hell is that?" and looking behind myself. The person staring back looked older not old just like I guess what 28 year old should look like. I snapped out of it and left it to being tired. I went back to bed and a few hours later I woke up again and went back to the bathroom again and there she was again, staring at me. I couldnt escape it. I did think I looked alot more attractive though, so thats good. For the rest of the day I felt melancholy as I dealt with what April called my "existential dilema." By the end of the day I had excepted the changes and moved on. Well, not entirely. It still bugged me but there was really nothing I could do except give it time. I think by the end of the week and after a few conversations with April I was ok. So now I usually only go out on Thursdays and thats just to DJ. I've gone to a few shows and stuff but I really have no need to go out and party anymore. Crazy stuff! I took April to see Modest Mouse as her Christmas present. It was a really good show. I was never really familiar with their music so I didnt expect to be blown away like I was. Johnny Marr is playing with them so I was in awe to see my first guitar hero. He's pretty much the reason I wanted to learn to play guitar well. I watch him most of the night. He's got a lot of energy and he's a scrappy little fellow. I was also mezmorized at the fact that they had 2 drummers. I totally want to have two drummers for our band. We would sound giganitc! I am also looking into getting a banjo and learning how to play it. I havent been inspired like that since seeing PGMG.
Things between April and I seem to be going nicely as well. We recently had a conversation about having a kid together. When she first brought it up i made a dumb comment about not wanting to carry it because I didnt want to ruin my girlish figure. I'm retarded sometimes. Later on I asked her if when she said she wanted to have another kid if she meant with me and she said yes so then I told her that I had been thinking the same thing, I just got defensive cuz its what I'm used to doing. She suggested we talk about it more in depth later when we're more financially stable. I agreed and just added that I wasnt thinking of doing it now, maybe when Santiago is 6 or 7 that way he wont be jealous or think we're replacing him and so he can be a big brother that will take care of it.
I was really missing her on saturday and became really cranky because of it. Sometimes I dont know if I should tell her that because she doesent really react to stuff like that but while I was at leslies we started texting eachother and I told her and she said she missed me too and asked if I wanted to go spend the night after the party. I told her i did, but she had passed out by the time I was leaving the party so I went home instead. I ended up spending the night last night and we told eachother that we missed sleeping together and waking up together and we held eachother and kissed and it was like the old days.
God I wanna do good and get a better job so I wont be stuck living at home. I want to ask her to marry me! I usually question this when things go bad, but i remind myself that all couples have problems and they have to work through them. I wouldnt mind spending the rest of my life with her and Santiago. She makes me look forward to the future and plan for it. Before her I didnt like doing that cuz it scared me, it still scares me but I wont be scared alone. I dont know if that makes sense to you but it does to me.
Its hard sometimes because I really cant tell anyone these things. The only person that knows is my cousin and she's pretty cool about it. She likes April eventhough she gets frustrated at some of the things she does like not coming to hang out with my family. I try to explain that she gets nervous but deep down I wish she'd suck it up and just do it once and awhile too. My family really isnt that bad. I can understand how she feels though cuz I hung out with hers a few weeks ago and I felt kinda akward. It was like sitting in on a tribe meeting or something, bad analogy i know, i'm tired and i'm not thinking straight. With the holidays and everything they've just made me want to start my own traditions with her, like family traditions. Its not that easy though.
Well its almost time for me to get off of work so I shall end here. If anyone is reading this keep me in your thoughts and prayers that i find a better paying job and that things keep going well with April and my life in general.
xoxo
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
A week later....things always change
So back to the story. I made a mad dash to her room and prepared myself for whatever was on the other side of the door. When I opened it she was laying there with her arm bandaged. Patty and her friend were keeping her company. I stood at her bedside and tried to not look worried but I know I did. I tried to not act like she was near death because she wasnt, but when something like this scares you there's few paths that you can take. So she told me what happened: she went for a drive before she went to meet Lily. She was at the stopsign at Brown and RioGrande and it was her turn to go when some old man ran his stopsign and slammed into her. She said he must have hit her like 3 times because her care was fucked up. He hit her the front and rear passenger sides and head on. Luckily no one had severe injuries. I wanted to find that man and kill him though.
We finished up at the hospital and I took her home. She started to feel loopy and tired from the percocet and we fell asleep on the couch. Her mom was going to come take care of her in the morning so I stayed the night just in case she needed me for anything. So her mom came in the morning and took her to her sisters house. She told me she'd call me later, but I figured that she'd be out of it for most of the day. Still I wanted her to call, just to know that she was ok. Anyways I went home and slept some more. I went to the gym to workout and get my mind off of it. Jazzy called while I was there to tell me that she was finally here. That got me excited. She came over shortly after I took a nap and a shower. We hung out the rest of the day at my house then went to Cousin Jenny's. We sat and talked and caught up on old times. Wendy and her friend showed up later on. I had to come home cuz I had to work the next day. I really couldnt concentrate on work very much because I couldnt stop thinking of April. She never called on sunday and I just needed to know she was ok.
She finally texted me later on that night and asked me to come over and keep her company. I had to break plans with Jazzy to go over. I felt bad about it but I had to do it. She understood and told me that if I didnt go she'd get mad.
I went over we watched TV and then went to sleep. I had to work the next morning and she was on pain killers so it was an early night. Nothing too interesting happens after this except that I spend the next week or so going over to take care of her or Santiago and just keep her sane.
Her birthday was about 2 weeks after the accident and so she really didnt get to do much. She told me she had found out that Modest Mouse was playing in Mesa that weekend and I told her that if she had told me how much she had loved them before I would have taken her for her birthday. I told her I'd try to arrange something. In the mean time I prepared for her birthday. I was going to attempt to lure her to Dedo for a little party. She dosent really like celebrating her birthday but I thought it was neccessary considering all that had happened. So the day before which was thursday I went crazy getting stuff ready. I bought her a bunch of Lillies, a birthday cake and decorations to put up at dedo. I wrapped her present. I bought her the iPod Shuffle she wanted. I finally convinced her to come out for a bit. She really wasnt in a party mood so I hid the cake in the car and we were at dedo for about an hour before she had me take her back home. She gave me her house keys and said I could come back when I was done at dedo.
When I got back to her apt she was passed out on the floor. I took that opportunity to put up the 'Happy Birthday' banner up and put the cake away and put her gift out. I went to sleep on the couch so that I'd be there in the morning when she woke up. She woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bed and so she woke me up to go with her. I started to get up when she started walking to the room. She ran into the banner. I guess I hung it too low. It was funny cuz she yelled out all horrified.
We finished up at the hospital and I took her home. She started to feel loopy and tired from the percocet and we fell asleep on the couch. Her mom was going to come take care of her in the morning so I stayed the night just in case she needed me for anything. So her mom came in the morning and took her to her sisters house. She told me she'd call me later, but I figured that she'd be out of it for most of the day. Still I wanted her to call, just to know that she was ok. Anyways I went home and slept some more. I went to the gym to workout and get my mind off of it. Jazzy called while I was there to tell me that she was finally here. That got me excited. She came over shortly after I took a nap and a shower. We hung out the rest of the day at my house then went to Cousin Jenny's. We sat and talked and caught up on old times. Wendy and her friend showed up later on. I had to come home cuz I had to work the next day. I really couldnt concentrate on work very much because I couldnt stop thinking of April. She never called on sunday and I just needed to know she was ok.
She finally texted me later on that night and asked me to come over and keep her company. I had to break plans with Jazzy to go over. I felt bad about it but I had to do it. She understood and told me that if I didnt go she'd get mad.
I went over we watched TV and then went to sleep. I had to work the next morning and she was on pain killers so it was an early night. Nothing too interesting happens after this except that I spend the next week or so going over to take care of her or Santiago and just keep her sane.
Her birthday was about 2 weeks after the accident and so she really didnt get to do much. She told me she had found out that Modest Mouse was playing in Mesa that weekend and I told her that if she had told me how much she had loved them before I would have taken her for her birthday. I told her I'd try to arrange something. In the mean time I prepared for her birthday. I was going to attempt to lure her to Dedo for a little party. She dosent really like celebrating her birthday but I thought it was neccessary considering all that had happened. So the day before which was thursday I went crazy getting stuff ready. I bought her a bunch of Lillies, a birthday cake and decorations to put up at dedo. I wrapped her present. I bought her the iPod Shuffle she wanted. I finally convinced her to come out for a bit. She really wasnt in a party mood so I hid the cake in the car and we were at dedo for about an hour before she had me take her back home. She gave me her house keys and said I could come back when I was done at dedo.
When I got back to her apt she was passed out on the floor. I took that opportunity to put up the 'Happy Birthday' banner up and put the cake away and put her gift out. I went to sleep on the couch so that I'd be there in the morning when she woke up. She woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bed and so she woke me up to go with her. I started to get up when she started walking to the room. She ran into the banner. I guess I hung it too low. It was funny cuz she yelled out all horrified.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
domsestic bliss pt. 2
I really should update this more often. I really dont like blogging on my myspace that much cuz its too risky with our situation. That being that I cant freely write about April and I because we both have friends from work that are our friends on myspace and no one knows about us cuz that means serious trouble. Not to mention that the whole world including my friends dont need to know every detail of my life. I share plenty but there are some things I still need to keep private. Not to mention sometimes writing my true feelings can get me into trouble. I'm not always nice.
Ohhh the phones just went dead! Woo hoo!
So, interesting developments since the last post. We infact finally did admit our love for eachother. She actually said it first. I was quite shocked. Speechless actually. Here's the story.
It was the night of the art show at Dedo. We went to dinner then to the art show. I made a special playlist for that night so that I wouldnt neglect her while having to dj. She said thats a big reason she doesnt go to dedo, because I have to be working and not paying attention to her. So I made this 4 hour long playlist with everything one would need for a kickass dance party. It worked pretty well. We were able to get drunk and fondle most of the evening. It was quite fun. We went to whataburger afterwards and we were waiting in the drive-thru line. She put this song called "These Words" by Natasha Beddingfield on cuz she likes it alot. She was singing along and somewhere towards the end of the song she sings "I love you and thats ok..."well the song ended and April kept saying it, but she wasnt saying it to the song any more. She was saying it to me. I looked at her then away from her kind of confused. In my head the voice started yelling "hello idiot! tell her you love her too!!!" so I turned and said "you know I love you too right?" and she was like "yeah I do." And from there my heart didnt stop smiling.
Valentines day was 5 days later and we spent the whole day together. We went to lunch at the Japanese Kitchen then we went shopping, or rather she went shopping . It was fun and frightening to watch her drop so much money on clothes. But it made her happy so it was all good. If I had that kind of money that day I would have gone to Guitar Center and made myself happy there. Later on we went to dinner. That was an ordeal all its own. While she got ready to go out I practiced playing "The Get A Way" That was my gift to her. I was supposed to play it for her for Xmas but I chickened out on account that I had fallen behind on practicing and she makes me nervous. We both wanted to go to Ardovinos for dinner so I called them to make a reservation. Turned out they were going to have some special 5 course menu that night and it was $80 a person. We were like "um...no" So we had to think of places to go. We drove around for a while and ended up at Dominics on my aunts suggestion. They only had room for us up at the bar area. We were both starving and starting to snip at eachother so we settled for it. Man that food sucked! It was toooooooooooooooooooo garlicky. Garlic dosent even taste that garlicky. We decided that valentines day was a bust, except for the fact that we got to spend it together, and that we'd redo it on her birthday. That way commercialism dosent get in the way. We went home. I played "The Get A Way" for her and then did what people do on valentines day when they're feeling romantic. Sex people!
I spent that weekend with her and Santiago. We went shopping for clothes and furniture. We put an entertainment center together. It nearly fell apart when we finished because the intructions didnt metnion anything about the bottom needing screws to be screwed in. It was very Lucy and Ethel of us. We had a good laugh.
Things get a little fuzzy from here. Mainly because April got a really bad cold and ear infection that caused her eardrum to rupture and go deaf for a couple of weeks. She became pretty depressed for awhile. I dont think she knew she was depressed. I did. She had all the symptoms I just didnt want to tell her because she was always in a bad mood and I didnt want to make it worse. I was kind of getting tired of her constantly questioning my intentions of moving out of my moms house. I really started to get annoyed with her after a while. But I turned it into a positive thing and decided that the reason she was bugging me about it is because she sees how unhappy I am at home and wants me to get myself out of that situation. She showed alot of love and support when I got really depressed about feeling like a total failure a few months ago. I decided that I was a big let down to my mom and family. Shortly after Les and I started Sounds of the Damned. We're really gonna try to do this all the way. As far as we can take it. I'm really excited and scared about it. I dont want to fail at it. Music has always been my savation and if I fail at it then I have no reason to live. Ok thats a bit dramatic but seriously, what do I do from there?
Anyhoo, the whole April depression thing started to affect our relationship and i was constantly worrying that the end was nigh. Ask my hairdresser, she'll tell you. This lasted for about 2 months. Finally she started to snap out of it. We went out for drinks one Wednesday night in early May. My cousin and the gang ended up joining us. It was nice. We had a good time and she was her old self again. Then 3 days later she got into a car accident. Her friend Lily was supposed to come into town and she invited me to go have some drinks with her. That day she texted me that she wasnt coming after all and asked me if I still wanted to go out. I told her yes. So we made plans to go out later that night. So I talked to her when I got out of work and she was at a family party and she told me she'd call me when she was leaving so we could go out. I waited for a long time and finally got tired of waiting around so I took off driving. I was either gonna meet Adam at his house or I dont know what. She called as I was driving down my street and I asked her what the plan was. She sort of stalled and started giving ambiguous answers. Finally she just told me she'd rather I didnt go. She said that it wasnt because she had bad intentions, she just didnt feel comfortable. She asked me if I was mad, and I told her that there was no point in me getting mad because it wasnt gonna do anyhting but I was really annoyed because I really wanted to be with her. So she told me that she'd go meet Lily for a drink and then meet up with me at the Tool afterwards. So I went and met the guys at the tool and a while after I got there she called and told me that she was at the hospital because she had a car accident. I went into panic/rescue mode and was like "I'll be there right now" and she told me not to go. I was saddened and confused by her request and as hard as it was to honor her wishes I did. She'd told me she'd call me back when they were going to let her go so that I could take her home because her car was totalled. So I waited...and she finally called and asked me to go pick her up. I got to the hospital and made a mad dash to her...
Oh works over...more later!
Ohhh the phones just went dead! Woo hoo!
So, interesting developments since the last post. We infact finally did admit our love for eachother. She actually said it first. I was quite shocked. Speechless actually. Here's the story.
It was the night of the art show at Dedo. We went to dinner then to the art show. I made a special playlist for that night so that I wouldnt neglect her while having to dj. She said thats a big reason she doesnt go to dedo, because I have to be working and not paying attention to her. So I made this 4 hour long playlist with everything one would need for a kickass dance party. It worked pretty well. We were able to get drunk and fondle most of the evening. It was quite fun. We went to whataburger afterwards and we were waiting in the drive-thru line. She put this song called "These Words" by Natasha Beddingfield on cuz she likes it alot. She was singing along and somewhere towards the end of the song she sings "I love you and thats ok..."well the song ended and April kept saying it, but she wasnt saying it to the song any more. She was saying it to me. I looked at her then away from her kind of confused. In my head the voice started yelling "hello idiot! tell her you love her too!!!" so I turned and said "you know I love you too right?" and she was like "yeah I do." And from there my heart didnt stop smiling.
Valentines day was 5 days later and we spent the whole day together. We went to lunch at the Japanese Kitchen then we went shopping, or rather she went shopping . It was fun and frightening to watch her drop so much money on clothes. But it made her happy so it was all good. If I had that kind of money that day I would have gone to Guitar Center and made myself happy there. Later on we went to dinner. That was an ordeal all its own. While she got ready to go out I practiced playing "The Get A Way" That was my gift to her. I was supposed to play it for her for Xmas but I chickened out on account that I had fallen behind on practicing and she makes me nervous. We both wanted to go to Ardovinos for dinner so I called them to make a reservation. Turned out they were going to have some special 5 course menu that night and it was $80 a person. We were like "um...no" So we had to think of places to go. We drove around for a while and ended up at Dominics on my aunts suggestion. They only had room for us up at the bar area. We were both starving and starting to snip at eachother so we settled for it. Man that food sucked! It was toooooooooooooooooooo garlicky. Garlic dosent even taste that garlicky. We decided that valentines day was a bust, except for the fact that we got to spend it together, and that we'd redo it on her birthday. That way commercialism dosent get in the way. We went home. I played "The Get A Way" for her and then did what people do on valentines day when they're feeling romantic. Sex people!
I spent that weekend with her and Santiago. We went shopping for clothes and furniture. We put an entertainment center together. It nearly fell apart when we finished because the intructions didnt metnion anything about the bottom needing screws to be screwed in. It was very Lucy and Ethel of us. We had a good laugh.
Things get a little fuzzy from here. Mainly because April got a really bad cold and ear infection that caused her eardrum to rupture and go deaf for a couple of weeks. She became pretty depressed for awhile. I dont think she knew she was depressed. I did. She had all the symptoms I just didnt want to tell her because she was always in a bad mood and I didnt want to make it worse. I was kind of getting tired of her constantly questioning my intentions of moving out of my moms house. I really started to get annoyed with her after a while. But I turned it into a positive thing and decided that the reason she was bugging me about it is because she sees how unhappy I am at home and wants me to get myself out of that situation. She showed alot of love and support when I got really depressed about feeling like a total failure a few months ago. I decided that I was a big let down to my mom and family. Shortly after Les and I started Sounds of the Damned. We're really gonna try to do this all the way. As far as we can take it. I'm really excited and scared about it. I dont want to fail at it. Music has always been my savation and if I fail at it then I have no reason to live. Ok thats a bit dramatic but seriously, what do I do from there?
Anyhoo, the whole April depression thing started to affect our relationship and i was constantly worrying that the end was nigh. Ask my hairdresser, she'll tell you. This lasted for about 2 months. Finally she started to snap out of it. We went out for drinks one Wednesday night in early May. My cousin and the gang ended up joining us. It was nice. We had a good time and she was her old self again. Then 3 days later she got into a car accident. Her friend Lily was supposed to come into town and she invited me to go have some drinks with her. That day she texted me that she wasnt coming after all and asked me if I still wanted to go out. I told her yes. So we made plans to go out later that night. So I talked to her when I got out of work and she was at a family party and she told me she'd call me when she was leaving so we could go out. I waited for a long time and finally got tired of waiting around so I took off driving. I was either gonna meet Adam at his house or I dont know what. She called as I was driving down my street and I asked her what the plan was. She sort of stalled and started giving ambiguous answers. Finally she just told me she'd rather I didnt go. She said that it wasnt because she had bad intentions, she just didnt feel comfortable. She asked me if I was mad, and I told her that there was no point in me getting mad because it wasnt gonna do anyhting but I was really annoyed because I really wanted to be with her. So she told me that she'd go meet Lily for a drink and then meet up with me at the Tool afterwards. So I went and met the guys at the tool and a while after I got there she called and told me that she was at the hospital because she had a car accident. I went into panic/rescue mode and was like "I'll be there right now" and she told me not to go. I was saddened and confused by her request and as hard as it was to honor her wishes I did. She'd told me she'd call me back when they were going to let her go so that I could take her home because her car was totalled. So I waited...and she finally called and asked me to go pick her up. I got to the hospital and made a mad dash to her...
Oh works over...more later!
Monday, February 12, 2007
my own brand of domestic bliss
Yeah so I know I wrote that I "think" I'm in love... and what I meant by that was I'm in love but I dont want to admit it without her admitting it too. Who wants to be that openly vulnerable? I sure as fuck dont. I gotta tell someone though and I really feel like I cant talk to my friends about it. It really sucks cuz I always listen to them about their relationship stuff whether its good or bad but the minute I start talking about April their eyes glaze over and they tune me out. As soon as I open my mouth they get this look on their face like i brought up the subject of russian literature or something equally foreign. I think there are 2 reasons they do this
A. They're bitter
B. Sometimes I take long with my stories, I give full and significant details. I cant help it if I want you to get a clear picture of what I'm talking about. I'm not elaborating like Anne Rice or anything. But when I start talking its like all of a sudden they have the attention span of a fruit fly. Yet when they're talking to me I'm all ears all the way through.
Fuck it here's a third one:
C. They're not used to someone else other than themselves having my full attention. They're not used to me being with anyone. I mean I can understand that, I havent dated in 6 years so they're all used to single Mo. Seriously guys, it was bound to happen.
I gotta finish this later. Work is almost over for me.
A. They're bitter
B. Sometimes I take long with my stories, I give full and significant details. I cant help it if I want you to get a clear picture of what I'm talking about. I'm not elaborating like Anne Rice or anything. But when I start talking its like all of a sudden they have the attention span of a fruit fly. Yet when they're talking to me I'm all ears all the way through.
Fuck it here's a third one:
C. They're not used to someone else other than themselves having my full attention. They're not used to me being with anyone. I mean I can understand that, I havent dated in 6 years so they're all used to single Mo. Seriously guys, it was bound to happen.
I gotta finish this later. Work is almost over for me.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
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