So things havent gotten better yet.
I'm feeling very displaced. I've been feeling like that for a while now, a few weeks I would say.
I decided to talk to her about how things are going. I asked her if she was mad at me or if i'd done something to make her mad. She said i didnt. Then she started in on how she thinks that I dont understand that she has to pay bills and how i waste energy and i'm always leaving lights on. I dont know where the fuck she came up with that because she's always leaving shit on. I'm the one that goes and turns shit off after her. Then she brought up how i dont contribute.
I dont know what the hell to do. I mean i didnt know i was supposed to contribute if i'm not officially living here. But i feel that i do contribute. I do stuff around the house. I'm always washing the dishes after dinner. I sweep and mop up after the dog. I dont contribute fiscally because we havent talked about that stuff.
We had this conversation Thanksgiving week, the monday before thanksgiving to be exact. And when we hung up we didnt resolve anything because she was supposed to call me back. She never did and so i spent the next two days in agony. Anylizing and thinking and thinking about things and hoping she wasn't going to dump me. I talked to my mom about it and she agreed i should help her out with money, but to be careful that she's not going to up and kick me out again. We spoke again on the day before thanks giving. Turns out things were ok. She wasnt mad at me anymore and the relationship wasnt over, but she did say that she's being cautious. So, from then I've been trying to help out more. I've bought groceries and tried to contribute in small fiscal ways. I seriously dont know what the hell is happening to all of my money. I have to figure that out before i start helping out with rent.
Its seems like this last week and a half i've been a bother to her. Like she dosent want me around but then she does. I want to talk about things but i'm in such a fragile state i really cant bare to hear what she might say.
I'm starting to get depressed and beginning to have panic attacks again. I've made efforts to start seeing my old shrink for help because i think i'm losing it. I dont think that she understands that these are all really big changes that are happening and her attitude right now is not helping.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
This bed is too big for one
I dont even know where to start. Quick outline.
1. turns out that marriage proposal didnt count since she was drunk. (see following for explanation)
2. On Valentines Day I got hired at ADP. Finally no more TWC!
3. Moved in with April the week I started working at ADP.
4. We lived in harmony for a few weeks.
5. Things began to crumble and she hardly talked to me or kissed me or anything.
6. Sometime in April she asked me to move out and she broke up with me. I thought i was going to die.
7. The next day as devastated as I was I went to work. Cried when I needed to and decided to move on with my life and the plans I'd made before we met.
8. We talked a week later after she sent me a message on myspace giving me her explanation for breaking up with me.
9. I asked her to meet me because I needed to talk to her about things.
10. We met and things went well. I stuck up for myself and told her that she wasnt the only one that was unhappy.
11. That triggered her to want me again.
12. She asked me to marry her a week later and gave me an engagement ring.
Things have been going well since then. As a matter of fact she asked me if i wanted to move back in in Feb. I was kind of hesitant to answer because I dont want it to be like last time. Then she said what I had beeen thinking. I still didnt give a definite answer. I'm scared of things ending up like they did before. We were more like roommates than lovers. I really do want to live with her again. I mean we're engaged for crying out loud, we've got to do it someday. Its just hard because this is a small house and its hard to find privacy when one of us wants it, especially if a 5 year old is demanding your attention. Oh well we're gonna have to have a scary talk about it and get it figured out. One thing we agreed on when we got back together was that we have to learn to talk to eachother about things that are bothering us. I'm working on it...I dont think she's ever really had a problem with it.
We go through this pattern every now and then where something will happen, usually to her, to make this relationship kind of depressing. She'll start to distance herself from me, I'll notice and not say anything because I think its something I did, not remembering that she's going through a hard time at work and her focus is on that and not me or us. Sometimes I wonder if its fair to me to have to accept that. For instance, she almost lost her job last week. I know that is definitely something to freak out about and i freaked out about it with her. I was ready to be the one to help her out with whatever she needed. And she needed me it seemed. So I've been here for her. Well turns out that they're going to try to keep her as long as possible. Things are still a little weird at work for her though cuz she knows about all this stuff that is going to happen and she cant do anything about it.
I guess it just bothers me that a month ago we went from total affection and cant keep our hands off of eachother passion to her not kissing me and that distance thing happening again. I'm writing this from her office. She's asleep with Santiago. He wanted me to comeover to play with him and sleep over. She kind of seems like its bothering her to have me here. But last week she had no problem with me coming over and sleeping over every other night practically. I dont know maybe its the Chantix. We read that it could alter her mood and do all kinds of shit to her.
I get panicky because this is the pattern that we followed before she broke up with me. I guess I"m paranoid. I should probably talk to her about it. Now i'm just starting to be redundant. I just hate feeling like this. I dont like coming over and having to sleep by myself. Thats why i'm here now at this moment. Well I guess I'll go try to read so I can go to sleep.
1. turns out that marriage proposal didnt count since she was drunk. (see following for explanation)
2. On Valentines Day I got hired at ADP. Finally no more TWC!
3. Moved in with April the week I started working at ADP.
4. We lived in harmony for a few weeks.
5. Things began to crumble and she hardly talked to me or kissed me or anything.
6. Sometime in April she asked me to move out and she broke up with me. I thought i was going to die.
7. The next day as devastated as I was I went to work. Cried when I needed to and decided to move on with my life and the plans I'd made before we met.
8. We talked a week later after she sent me a message on myspace giving me her explanation for breaking up with me.
9. I asked her to meet me because I needed to talk to her about things.
10. We met and things went well. I stuck up for myself and told her that she wasnt the only one that was unhappy.
11. That triggered her to want me again.
12. She asked me to marry her a week later and gave me an engagement ring.
Things have been going well since then. As a matter of fact she asked me if i wanted to move back in in Feb. I was kind of hesitant to answer because I dont want it to be like last time. Then she said what I had beeen thinking. I still didnt give a definite answer. I'm scared of things ending up like they did before. We were more like roommates than lovers. I really do want to live with her again. I mean we're engaged for crying out loud, we've got to do it someday. Its just hard because this is a small house and its hard to find privacy when one of us wants it, especially if a 5 year old is demanding your attention. Oh well we're gonna have to have a scary talk about it and get it figured out. One thing we agreed on when we got back together was that we have to learn to talk to eachother about things that are bothering us. I'm working on it...I dont think she's ever really had a problem with it.
We go through this pattern every now and then where something will happen, usually to her, to make this relationship kind of depressing. She'll start to distance herself from me, I'll notice and not say anything because I think its something I did, not remembering that she's going through a hard time at work and her focus is on that and not me or us. Sometimes I wonder if its fair to me to have to accept that. For instance, she almost lost her job last week. I know that is definitely something to freak out about and i freaked out about it with her. I was ready to be the one to help her out with whatever she needed. And she needed me it seemed. So I've been here for her. Well turns out that they're going to try to keep her as long as possible. Things are still a little weird at work for her though cuz she knows about all this stuff that is going to happen and she cant do anything about it.
I guess it just bothers me that a month ago we went from total affection and cant keep our hands off of eachother passion to her not kissing me and that distance thing happening again. I'm writing this from her office. She's asleep with Santiago. He wanted me to comeover to play with him and sleep over. She kind of seems like its bothering her to have me here. But last week she had no problem with me coming over and sleeping over every other night practically. I dont know maybe its the Chantix. We read that it could alter her mood and do all kinds of shit to her.
I get panicky because this is the pattern that we followed before she broke up with me. I guess I"m paranoid. I should probably talk to her about it. Now i'm just starting to be redundant. I just hate feeling like this. I dont like coming over and having to sleep by myself. Thats why i'm here now at this moment. Well I guess I'll go try to read so I can go to sleep.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
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