So things havent gotten better yet.
I'm feeling very displaced. I've been feeling like that for a while now, a few weeks I would say.
I decided to talk to her about how things are going. I asked her if she was mad at me or if i'd done something to make her mad. She said i didnt. Then she started in on how she thinks that I dont understand that she has to pay bills and how i waste energy and i'm always leaving lights on. I dont know where the fuck she came up with that because she's always leaving shit on. I'm the one that goes and turns shit off after her. Then she brought up how i dont contribute.
I dont know what the hell to do. I mean i didnt know i was supposed to contribute if i'm not officially living here. But i feel that i do contribute. I do stuff around the house. I'm always washing the dishes after dinner. I sweep and mop up after the dog. I dont contribute fiscally because we havent talked about that stuff.
We had this conversation Thanksgiving week, the monday before thanksgiving to be exact. And when we hung up we didnt resolve anything because she was supposed to call me back. She never did and so i spent the next two days in agony. Anylizing and thinking and thinking about things and hoping she wasn't going to dump me. I talked to my mom about it and she agreed i should help her out with money, but to be careful that she's not going to up and kick me out again. We spoke again on the day before thanks giving. Turns out things were ok. She wasnt mad at me anymore and the relationship wasnt over, but she did say that she's being cautious. So, from then I've been trying to help out more. I've bought groceries and tried to contribute in small fiscal ways. I seriously dont know what the hell is happening to all of my money. I have to figure that out before i start helping out with rent.
Its seems like this last week and a half i've been a bother to her. Like she dosent want me around but then she does. I want to talk about things but i'm in such a fragile state i really cant bare to hear what she might say.
I'm starting to get depressed and beginning to have panic attacks again. I've made efforts to start seeing my old shrink for help because i think i'm losing it. I dont think that she understands that these are all really big changes that are happening and her attitude right now is not helping.
