The color of the leaves werent the only things that changed in November. I too had gone through a change. It was a change I resisted for a long time. It was partially a conscious resistance. I really didnt see myself turning into those people that gets tired of going out all the time or that has to go out just because its the weekend and then it happened I turned into one of those people. It happened the night of the Party Monster thing at the OP. I really didnt feel like going that night. I went to a show with April the night before and I swear I thought my legs were going to fall off from standing there for over 2 hours. I kept thinking to myself I cant seriously be hurting this much from just standing here. But there it was. April couldnt take it and went to wait for me in the car. I chalked (sp?) it up to just being tired and didnt give it much thought.
The show was good by the way. Great turn out. Saw lots of old faces. Siva was great as usual. Too bad it was their last show ever.
Anyhoo the Party Monster thing was the next night and I had worked all day then went home to get changed and head over to Les' to meet everyone. Almost everyone was in make up and/or costume. I just wore my shirt/tie/blazer/fedora outfit. I just didnt feel like getting all costumey. So we're all there and they're all getting ready when shaun asks me to go get him cigarettes. I tell him to get them on the way and he and Adam both declare they cant go out in public in full make up. I told them they shoulda thought of that before they got made up. I ended up having to go buy cigs for shaun, les and sean. I came back appox. 10 min later and everyone was waiting for me by the door. All declaring "she's finally back after a million years lets go!" I wasnt even gone that long and they werent ready to leave when i had left but all of a sudden it was my fault we were leaving at 11. That really pissed me off. I weighed my options for while everyone that was supposedly ready gathered their shit. I could have A- Acted like a teenager and just stormed off calling all of them assholes and going home pissed off. B-Act like an adult and call them all assholes and just ignore the shit talking as they do to everyone anyways. C-Grow a back bone and tell them to calm the fuck down cuz I wasnt even gone that long.
I basically combined them all and went for secret option D which just includes letting it piss me off and fester the rest of the night. We finally got to the OP and it was dead as usual. There were more people there that there usually are on saturdays but by no means was it an impressive crowd. We located Danny Steele and got stamped so we could go to the VIP area. Adam and Shaun were besides themselves with glee because they were VIP's. I kept thinking its the fucking OP, GET REAL!! and No one's here anyways what does it matter?! But whatever. People get their jollies in different ways.
I felt completely out of my element the entire time I was there. I kept thinking all I want to do is go to aprils and watch the crocodile hunter and go to sleep. I could have just left early but I felt this obligation to be there for my friends. It just all seemed phony and pointless. I was also slightly annoyed because I had given up drinking and with sober eyes saw that the only way to really have fun at the OP is to be completely sloshed. I realized this after I saw Adam and Shaun down I dont know how many shots and drinks in a short span of time.
The evening finally drew to a close and I was relieved to be going home to my bed.
The next morning I woke up because the dogs and I had to pee. I let them out and went to pee and as I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and didnt recognize myself. I stared into the mirror for what seemed like an eternity asking "who the hell is that?" and looking behind myself. The person staring back looked older not old just like I guess what 28 year old should look like. I snapped out of it and left it to being tired. I went back to bed and a few hours later I woke up again and went back to the bathroom again and there she was again, staring at me. I couldnt escape it. I did think I looked alot more attractive though, so thats good. For the rest of the day I felt melancholy as I dealt with what April called my "existential dilema." By the end of the day I had excepted the changes and moved on. Well, not entirely. It still bugged me but there was really nothing I could do except give it time. I think by the end of the week and after a few conversations with April I was ok. So now I usually only go out on Thursdays and thats just to DJ. I've gone to a few shows and stuff but I really have no need to go out and party anymore. Crazy stuff! I took April to see Modest Mouse as her Christmas present. It was a really good show. I was never really familiar with their music so I didnt expect to be blown away like I was. Johnny Marr is playing with them so I was in awe to see my first guitar hero. He's pretty much the reason I wanted to learn to play guitar well. I watch him most of the night. He's got a lot of energy and he's a scrappy little fellow. I was also mezmorized at the fact that they had 2 drummers. I totally want to have two drummers for our band. We would sound giganitc! I am also looking into getting a banjo and learning how to play it. I havent been inspired like that since seeing PGMG.
Things between April and I seem to be going nicely as well. We recently had a conversation about having a kid together. When she first brought it up i made a dumb comment about not wanting to carry it because I didnt want to ruin my girlish figure. I'm retarded sometimes. Later on I asked her if when she said she wanted to have another kid if she meant with me and she said yes so then I told her that I had been thinking the same thing, I just got defensive cuz its what I'm used to doing. She suggested we talk about it more in depth later when we're more financially stable. I agreed and just added that I wasnt thinking of doing it now, maybe when Santiago is 6 or 7 that way he wont be jealous or think we're replacing him and so he can be a big brother that will take care of it.
I was really missing her on saturday and became really cranky because of it. Sometimes I dont know if I should tell her that because she doesent really react to stuff like that but while I was at leslies we started texting eachother and I told her and she said she missed me too and asked if I wanted to go spend the night after the party. I told her i did, but she had passed out by the time I was leaving the party so I went home instead. I ended up spending the night last night and we told eachother that we missed sleeping together and waking up together and we held eachother and kissed and it was like the old days.
God I wanna do good and get a better job so I wont be stuck living at home. I want to ask her to marry me! I usually question this when things go bad, but i remind myself that all couples have problems and they have to work through them. I wouldnt mind spending the rest of my life with her and Santiago. She makes me look forward to the future and plan for it. Before her I didnt like doing that cuz it scared me, it still scares me but I wont be scared alone. I dont know if that makes sense to you but it does to me.
Its hard sometimes because I really cant tell anyone these things. The only person that knows is my cousin and she's pretty cool about it. She likes April eventhough she gets frustrated at some of the things she does like not coming to hang out with my family. I try to explain that she gets nervous but deep down I wish she'd suck it up and just do it once and awhile too. My family really isnt that bad. I can understand how she feels though cuz I hung out with hers a few weeks ago and I felt kinda akward. It was like sitting in on a tribe meeting or something, bad analogy i know, i'm tired and i'm not thinking straight. With the holidays and everything they've just made me want to start my own traditions with her, like family traditions. Its not that easy though.
Well its almost time for me to get off of work so I shall end here. If anyone is reading this keep me in your thoughts and prayers that i find a better paying job and that things keep going well with April and my life in general.
xoxo
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